dumb criminals

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Guy Lists 'Drug Dealer' as Occupation, on Arrest Report

Florida.

(Newser) - Robert Michael Phillips has seven felony convictions and more than a dozen arrests on his resumé—which he apparently feels earns him the right to list his occupation as "drug dealer," reports the Palm Beach Post . The slight problem being that he did so not on an...

Woman Calls Cop: Hi, Want to Buy My Drugs?

Unsurprisingly, he's interested in meeting up

(Newser) - Police say a woman selling drugs made a big mistake that landed her in jail—she mistakenly called an Albuquerque police detective. KOB-TV reports that 30-year-old Renea Lucero was arrested last week when she called the detective at his department-issued cellphone and made the officer an unexpected offer. Court documents...

Jailhouse Smuggling 101: Don't Use Greeting Cards

Sender's method of getting heroin into Western Tidewater Regional Jail failed

(Newser) - Someone, somewhere, must be unaware jail officials screen mail before handing it over to inmates. While checking the post at Virginia's Western Tidewater Regional Jail last week, officials came across a homemade card with the gift of heroin inside, WTKR reports. This was no isolated incident: Officials have recently...

What Not to Tell Police in the Wee Hours of Jan. 1

Daniel Pratts allegedly explained that everyone drives drunk

(Newser) - Shortly after the clock struck midnight on Jan. 1, a police officer in Vineland, NJ, says he saw Daniel Pratts greet 2015 by speeding through a stop sign and almost slamming into the car in front of him (which turned out to be a police K-9 unit), the Daily Journal ...

Guy in 'Seriously, I Have Drugs' Shirt Is Seriously Busted

With drugs. In Florida

(Newser) - The first rule about drugs is you never wear a shirt saying you have drugs. The second rule about drugs ... well, John Balmer of, why, yes, Florida, apparently didn't get past that first rule. As the Tampa Bay Times reports, Balmer was minding his own business in line at...

ISIS Fighter Mistakenly Reveals Location in Tweets

New Zealander is apparently unfamiliar with geotagging

(Newser) - A New Zealander who left home to fight with ISIS in Syria made it pretty easy for authorities to track his movements—he tweeted happily away as "Kiwi Jihadi" with his geotag tracking turned on, reports the Guardian . The mistake by Mark Taylor, also known as Abu Adbul-Rahman, was...

Cops: Deputy Stole From Walmart ... While in Uniform

Theodore Parrish turned himself in after being caught on video

(Newser) - Authorities in Coral Springs, Fla., caught one of their own allegedly stealing from Walmart ... and the Broward Sheriff's Office detention deputy didn't even bother taking off his uniform to do it. A BSO rep says Theodore Parrish turned himself in this week after he was spotted on surveillance...

Burglary Suspect Bunked Down in Homeowner's Bed

Nicole Lynn Daugherty says she doesn't know how she got there: cops

(Newser) - Nicole Lynn Daugherty says she doesn't know how or why she ended up in a stranger's bed early Sunday—but she's now facing burglary, trespassing, and criminal mischief charges for it, the AP reports. State police responding to a home alarm around 4:15am in Liberty Township,...

Guy Brings Crack to Pal in ICU, Fire Ensues

Cops also charge Lee Vern Cook with gun possession

(Newser) - If you're stuck in the ICU on Christmas Eve, it's good to have friends to help you liven the joint up and Lee Vern Cook is apparently the best of these sorts of friends: The 54-year-old stands charged with a bevy of offenses after police say he brought...

Cops: Guy Shoplifted ... at 'Shop With a Cop' Event

There were lots of deputies around to see what allegedly happened

(Newser) - Pro tip for would-be thieves: It's probably not a good idea to attempt shoplifting ... during a "Shop with a Cop" event. That's what police say Grant Scott Timm of Lecanto, Fla., did last Wednesday night at the city's Walmart, according to the Citrus County Chronicle . The...

Would-Be Carjackers Foiled by Stick Shift

They can't drive manual transmission, run off

(Newser) - Police in Florida say two would-be carjackers almost got away with a vehicle in Ocala but didn't know how to drive a stick shift. The Ocala Star-Banner reports the owner of a 2014 Toyota Corolla told police he was sitting in his car talking on his cell phone when...

Fugitive Calls In Threat, Forgets to Turn Off Caller ID

Which made it pretty easy for cops to track him down

(Newser) - If your plan for evading the police involves phoning in a bomb threat, you might want to make sure you turn off caller ID before making said threat. Jacob R. Moore of Idaho apparently forgot that little detail Friday before allegedly calling in a threat about Atlas Elementary School in...

Fight Over Whether Pal Was Dead Turns Criminal

Some people cannot take a joke; others cannot make them

(Newser) - It started when one guy thought it would be funny to tell two friends that a mutual friend was dead, and as the Northwest Florida Daily News reports, it quickly went downhill from there, ending in criminal charges for one Henry Hill Shiver Jr. Seems Shiver took the "news"...

Alleged Meth Smuggler Chooses Wrong Parking Lot

Sylvia Mashiah busted with 27 pounds of meth after parking in federal 'search' lot

(Newser) - You just had one job, suspected drug smuggler: to get across the US-Mexico border with 27 pounds of meth. And technically, Sylvia Mashiah allegedly did that—until she screwed it all up, according to Customs and Border Protection agents. The 33-year-old California woman allegedly drove up to the Otay Mesa...

Jewel Thief Busted by Empty Coke Can: Cops

Police say suspect Ramon Herrera also didn't flush before leaving NM crime scene

(Newser) - A burglary suspect might have gotten away with it if he had just waited until he left the crime scene to quench his thirst. Instead, police say suspect Ramon Herrera helped himself to a can of Coke from the refrigerator of the Albuquerque, NM, home he allegedly broke into and...

What Not to Text Your Probation Officer

'You have some weed?'

(Newser) - A guy in Albany, Ga., texted his probation officer by mistake asking, "You have any weed?" The probation officer then showed up at the errant texter's house with drug agents who found a bag of cocaine, reports WALB . And that's why Alvin Cross is not only going...

Drunk Driver Thought This Jail Was a Bar

Cops are now holding her in that very jail

(Newser) - A woman in Van Buren County, Mich., didn't have far to go after she was arrested for drunk driving. The 39-year-old is being held in the very jail whose parking lot she pulled into early yesterday, Michigan Live reports; she told police she thought the lot belonged to a...

Cops: Woman Tries to Break Into Ex's House, Gets Stuck

Firefighters rescue Genoveva Nunez-Figueroa from chimney

(Newser) - Here's a tip for would-be home invaders: You might want to consider attempting to break in via a window or a door ... instead of, say, the chimney. Authorities say that's the route Genoveva Nunez-Figueroa decided to take early yesterday in Thousand Oaks, Calif., and things went very wrong,...

Robber Drops ID Card, Gets 12 Years
Robber Drops
ID Card, Gets
12 Years
Oct 16, 2014 12:33 PM CDT

Robber Drops ID Card, Gets 12 Years

Police in Arkansas had an easy time figuring this one out

(Newser) - It was the perfect crime, except for the part where Malcolm Thomas tripped on his way out of the gas station he had just robbed while running with the register tray. A witness saw him fall, and when police searched the spot, the Southwest Times Record details what they found:...

Florida Teen Busted for Humping Toy at Walmart

Police report is pretty disgusting

(Newser) - Warning: This one gets a little graphic. A 19-year-old in Florida was arrested after he humped a toy in Walmart to the point of orgasm yesterday, the Smoking Gun reports. Sean Johnson took a stuffed horse off a shelf and headed to the housewares section of the Brooksville store, where...

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